goodnight.

see you tomorrow.

Things I've Learned:

1. When you're finally having a good dream where everything is butterflies and rainbows, you will be woken up before your satisfied.
2. There is always a quiet before a storm. And I'm in that quiet now.
3. It's not over.

My birthday is tomorrow and thank god he's coming. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to hide until this blows over.

I don't even know what THIS is.

imsotiredbutimafraidtoclosemyeyes

help.

Last night was filled with horrible nightmares. I must have woken up in cold sweat at least three times. And each time I fell back asleep it just got worse. I couldn't breathe there wer horrible noises all around me.

I should have known something like this was happening. And it still hasn't sunk in.

I just don't understand it.

I couldn't go to classes. I just sat here all day and did nothing. But try and understand.

Why can't I? Why couldn't he?

Oh no oh no oh no.

Why?

The most important part about patagons is that they were never real. A bunch of dumbass explorers made up some stupid story about giants living off the coast of South America. No one should have believed them it was a hoax.

Why, then, why does it happen?

Words of the day:

Culling
Keening
Patagon

Happy hunting!

I'm sorry if I lead you to believe otherwise.

But Frank and I are not lovers.
And Frank is not my Hound.

Perhaps under other circumstances he could have been, but he's not. Sorry to disappoint you all. Someone recently brought this to my attention. I just wanted to point this out.

I am back at school but hopefully I'll escape throughout the week.

When he's around, she stops. She speaks no words, she brings no nightmares. So I will stay with him as long as possible. I would even if he didn't fix it. Even if her commands of "wait" still rang through my ears, he would make me feel safe. I will not describe him, I will not name him. He is my Cuchulainn, my hero. My Hound. He consoles me and understands. He is all I've ever wanted. And each day we get closer to home.

So that's where I have been and that's where I'm returning. Back to the bed where he'll tell me of places he's been and things he's done until I fall asleep.

I had a dream last year:
whoever, at the time appointed,
opposes the Hound on the slope,
let him beware.
The Hound of Emain Macha,
in all his different shapes,
The Hound of plunder and battle
--- I hear him, and he hears.

I know you were concerned about me. But I'm fine. Right now, I'm in an internet cafe, typing this. I'm around and Lily and I have been talking.

But we got into a huge argument. What did you tell her? She's convinced I'm going to run off with some mysterious boyfriend. I don't know where she could have gotten the idea. And I don't know where you could have gotten the idea. I never mentioned any boy in here besides Frank.


How do you know about him? Because this is starting to freak me out.

Stems and bones and stone walls too
Could keep me from you
Scaly skin is all too few
To keep me from you

But oh my love, though our bodies may be parted
Though our skin may not touch skin
Look for me with the sun-bright sparrow
I will come on the breath of the wind

Please, please someone do me a huge favor.

I'm out right now and won't be going back to the dorm for a while. I just needed a chance to breathe.

Can someone let my roommate know? She's probably freaking out. Her email is odalisquelove@hotmail.com

Or instant message me. She usually let's my brother know I'm out when he messages me.

Don't worry about explaining yourself. Just let her know that I'm with friends and I'm safe.

Thank you so much. I'll explain later.

First news is first: Why do they harass and belittle him? Just because he hears a voice doesn't call for complete and total disregard for his feelings. Shame on them all. If only they knew....maybe they would spare some compassion. I can understand the messages of hope, the desire for him to get better, the offers of help. But why do you tease him with explanations you can't possibly believe are true without knowing him? I offer no false explanations to him, no "ohmygodzorz u r totally possessed!" I just want him to do what he needs to do to feel safe, to feel comfortable.

Why does no one understand? This is why I never talk to anyone about it. Because I've always believed that is the reaction I'd get. And all those people have proven me right. So I'll just sit here and keep it inside. Hopefully that won't make it worse.

I'm just so tired.
I just want to be back home.

Only a week! Any ideas?

I despise the asshatery of online blogs sometimes. People can be real jerks.

When I was 11, my parents, along with my brother and sister, died in a car accident and my other brother Duncan and I were sent to live with our aunt in Vancouver.

This may sound odd, but ever since their death I've heard my sister's voice. I know it sounds crazy, but she's helped me through a lot. Through breakups, through math tests. It's always been wonderful to have Cassandra with me, cheering me on and keeping me company when I felt alone. I've talked to Duncan about it, but he hasn't heard anything. I've all but convinced myself it was only myself creating it because I miss my family so much. But it didn't really matter, it was always pleasant.

Her voice has grown darker over the past few months. Whispers accompaning hellish nightmares. I don't know if it's still her. Her giggle and vivacity no longer ring through and it sounds nothing like my sister. But who else could it be? Who could seap through my conciousness and speak out loud?

And what does it mean by wait? That's all I hear "wait" and "listen". The rest is all scrambled whispers.

So I wait. And listen.

My roommate's coming back in. I haven't told her any of this, she'll probably think I'm crazy. So it's my secret. My cross to bear. Please let my 19th birthday be peaceful. All I ask is for the 12th to be silent.